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[17 Jul 2007|06:48pm] |
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I feel so lost without a computer. Although my little paper notebook is filling up quite nicely. Mostly filled with things like "I can't remember his face at all now except for those sapphire bullets that once attracted me and filled me with fear at the same time" and all of that uber cheesy poetry drama crap that I spew when I'm bored. I kinda make me sick sometimes. Speaking of drama, a certain former love of mine has been calling me. Almost 10 times a day for nearly 2 weeks. I just kept ignoring it. I was thinking about changing my number. Sunday night I grew some balls though and pretty much screamed in his ear "I wouldn't give you water if you were on fire. Don't ever call me again." HA! It worked. Go me. I think I'll start screaming at people more often. Its like, sticking up for myself is so fun.
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[16 Jun 2007|04:42pm] |
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So, I have decided to quit smoking. Everyone steals my ciggarettes constantly and I can't afford to support grown men. I am getting so sick of being constantly sexually harassed at work. Next man to call me honey and grab my arse is going to get 2 fingers and a knee. I am no one's sugar mama damn it.
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| If you could only see how blue her eyes can be. |
[08 Jun 2007|06:16pm] |
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Yikes. Life can be suprising, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Everyday it shocks me. I don't know anymore. I hate this feeling- like I'm out of control. The only thing I have promised myself is that I will under no circumstance allow myself to get hurt again, and I will acheive this by any means necessary. I am hollow on the inside now, completely. It's the only thng I can do to stay strong. Not that I don't enjoy every minute of it, but I understand what I am to him because I've played the part before. It's so nice to see him smile though, even if I'm not sure if it's for real, it's very nice to see.
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| God only knows what I'd be without you... |
[26 May 2007|10:13am] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
I really enjoyed the old school style giggle/heckle fest last night. It actually made me very happy, as did the cheese fries. We did alot of reminiscing about the good times we used to have. We've all changed so much, but on the inside we'll always be those 14 year old girls chasing The Backstreet Boys tour bus up the streets of Providence, thinking we were gonna catch it. Or that game we used to play where we'd sit in Jill's room, name a boy we like and then the other would pull out a cd at random and we'd pick a song number and that would be our song. And if it was bad OH NO! I was also thinking about how Jill and I had the tradition of renting all of the Brad Pitt movies we could and then not moving from her parents couch for 24 hours, and stuffing our faces the entire time, 'cause going outside was too much effort and I was thinking about Tara and I at her house on the lake and how we went jetskiing and I remember seeing Tara go THUMP THUMP THUMP on past me on the back of some guy named Bubba.
Good times.
Other than that I have the oddest feeling that I can't shake that someone I love is in trouble. Maybe it was a bad dream I can't shake, but I have this weird sense that someone is hurting, and I'm going to end up heart broken. I hate this feeling. I hope everyone is alright.
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| It's my liiiiife and it's now or never, I just wanna live while I'm alive |
[24 May 2007|03:05pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
] |
So, a quick update on my insane life.
- My computer has broken. My car was broken. It was expensive to fix the car, and the computer may be beyond repair.
- Mary has postponed my moving date yet again to June 22. Why I don't know, but thank BUDDAH that my dad has remained sane enough at the moment to let me stay. Luckily, I make myself scarce.
-Thoughts on J...Good guy. AMaZing kisser. Let's keep it at that shall we? Seriously, I like him but I don't want to get involved with him. If I can keep him as a good friend who just pins me down and snogs the hell out of me every once in a while I'm happy. I won't let myself have any feelings for him further than that. Also, I know he has slept with a certain girly friend of mine and that is just drama, drama, drama waiting to happen even if she swears up and down she was just using him for the nookie.
-Further thoughts on sex... If you rub up against a man the wrong way they are ready to go. This can be held against them and used to gain power and in some cases money. However this is a BAD thing and mans should not be exploited for their weaknesses no matter how tempting it is. And as much as Manny claims this is how I too should be living my life I just can't destroy a person like so. In conclusion it IS much better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong one. I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me what cheesy John Hughes film that line is from.
- I am a nice girl. I am a good girl. Despite my best efforts, all of my protesting, and much pride I can not be evil, heartless, brainless, or uncaring. This is quite annoying.
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| I can't fix what I didn't break. |
[13 May 2007|04:30pm] |
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mood |
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 sympathetic |
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So just stop thinking about it. Keep on walking forward and never look back, not for a second, or you're likely to fall.
I'm happy. My life is coming back together. That should be enough. So why does it bug me so much if someone else is hurting? Why should I care?
Exactly, I shouldn't. Yet I find myself wishing all the time that his hurt will go away too.
I think this makes me crazy, officially. Why do I have such a desire to fix everyone else's problems? I have a difficult enough time on my own.
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| It's 2 am, and it's quiet again... |
[11 May 2007|10:56pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
Well, I've been awake for almost 24 hours straight now but I can't sleep. I'm too easily distracted, I think. Not just tonight, but I mean in life in general. It's like, I jump from one obsession or addiction right into another. I do it with people too, I don't really know what the deal is there. I'm doing it again though, and I'm going to end up regretting it. I just have to remember to stay focused on myself, and my life and not jump into any relationships, no matter how wonderful he seems or how incredibly sexy he looked in that wet shirt...I find myself going into super doormat mode again. I really have to struggle to restrain myself from that. It might be where all my problems begin. God, I hate myself when I turn into that girl. It's like, there's that itsy bitsy group of people that I'm nice too, beyond nice, and would take a bullet for, and I'm an evil bitch to everyone else. I keep letting the wrong damn people in my circle. The wrong people take advantage of the fact I'd do anything they ask, but once I care about someone, and I know immedietly, I'll do anything to make them happy. I try too hard sometimes. I get frustrated when I can't make them happy. It leads to guilt and worse.
I was also thinking I have had 8 people in my entire life I've walked the line for. I still talk to 4, and I hate to admit that if 3 of those people called me right now and told me they needed help I'd be there without a question. See, I have to work on saying no to them too.
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[08 May 2007|08:04pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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You know what? I woke up this morning and realized something.
I'm okay.
This time, I'm not pretending or convincing myself. I really am.
I didn't realize just how much I was crushing on J. until this afternoon when he was washing his truck in that tee shirt and it took all of the will power I had not to punce on him. I didn't realize until he put his arm around me today just how badly I wanted to kiss him. Crushes are fun I guess, and flirting always makes me feel happy about myself. I like flirting back. I've gone totally giddy, stupid again too. Johnny and Moe both picked up on it and wanted to know who the boy was. Obviously I can't tell them. John said he hasn't seen me that giddy since mid winter. I'm trying to remember exactly when I was giddy in the middle of the winter as I was on man-strike until I met Dave. I just remember a few weeks ago Johnny told me that there's no way in hell I'll be alone for long. I told him I'm going to be alone forever. He was right again. Stupid John.
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| la da di da da |
[04 May 2007|06:38pm] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
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Oh no. It's happening again. That nervous, butterflies feeling when you know what's about to go down...
Something is brewing, I can feel it. J. is officially single. I feel guilty because I celebrated a little. I wanted them to break up. His girlfriend was evil and he was miserable. Now he's flirting with me. He tells me secrets. I think I want him a little bit. I think he might want me a little bit. I've decided I might definetly have a crush.
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| What in the christ is my problem? |
[04 May 2007|02:39pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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Sometimes I am so rediculous I astonish even myself. I am embarassed, and so angry at myself. Why does it always seem to take a near kick to the head to finally get things through to me?
I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I have been holding on to some rediculous feeling or memory that exists only in my head. I don't have him, and I don't think I ever really did. So what exactly is it that makes it so hard for me to unattach myself? It certainly wasn't a lengthy affair, it wasn't like some romanticized Shakespearean trajedy that ended too soon. It just was. So knowing this in my head, what do I do? I push. I continue to push, trying to somehow convince myself that I am strong, and I am untouchable, and I am somehow above any emotions. And worse, trying to convince him, when I know he knows just how breakable I am.
I am letting go. I don't plan on contacting him ever again. Not because I don't want to be his friend, I do. I respect him and care for him alot. But I want him to want to be my friend. I don't want to force myself into someone's life that obviously doesn't want me there. I don't want anything that way. I don't want someone's friendship out of pity or some overexaggerated sense of guilt. Who wants to be that girl? I can't be that girl. As long as I continue to push though, he will start to hate me and I will always think and say things I shouldn't. I want to move on. I know that I have alot of love to give, and someone, someday will take it and I will be happy. If I'm lucky, they'll love me back. I can't get there if I don't walk away from myself right now and let him live his life, happily, and the way he deserves to.
That said, I need a muzzle, and complete disconnection from any possible media source when I am even the slightest bit innebriated as clearly, I am a drunk dialer/typer/texter in the worse possible way.
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| Pizazz! |
[25 Apr 2007|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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What a crazy day. I could write a book about the many pizazzful instances that occured. However I shall sum up the high (really low) points.
- This morning, 6am, dog grooming van blocking my car in driveway. Dog groomer no where to be found. Searched neighborhood, had luck after an hour. Was late for work.
- Returned from post office, dad showed up. I got freaked out and ran out the door. I came back in feeling guilty and hypervenhilating. Moe threw vikatin at me.
-Called the doctor about my belly pains. Apparently the "butterflies" I've had for the last month and a half aren't butterflies, they're ulcers. Yay.
-As soon as the vikatin started to kick in and I'm all numb like, Bill comes flying out of the service office with this drooly little hobbit man. He yells in front of everyone "There she is!! Hey Jennnnnnnn!!!" I turn around and hobbit approaches, practically yelling "So Jen, I'm Tom. Bill tells me you might be single and interested (I will kill bill), how about we go for a drink sometime? here's my number...." and then continues to stutter on about his big house, and two jobs, and blah blah blah. I had to give him points for having the balls to do this in front of, literally everyone in the building, but still, what could I have said. I had to say "Okay I'll call you". I was pretty retarted on the pain killer by then. Moe couldn't stop laughing.
- I passed out printing bills. No one heard. I woke up on the ground with the paper everywhere. Nice end to the day.
- Oh except the crazy boy on a little pink bike, who rode by me in the parking lot and yelled "Hey! Will you be my Kelly Clarkson?" He was cool. Not.
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| Yeah, you can blow me. |
[22 Apr 2007|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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I really wish to god men would stop calling me a whore. It's not a nice name and I'm not an effing whore. Just because I won't tell you what you want to hear or be your little bitch doesn't make me a whore. It makes me one smart, tough little girl. And if I thought you were worth it, I would be with you. So piss off, jerk.
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| I am not quite young enough to know everything. |
[21 Apr 2007|08:23pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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So, I stayed home tonight, and it was my choice to do so. I did go for a really long drive to clear my head. Now I'm waiting for the meteor shower to begin.
I've been doing lots of thinking again, and reflecting.Sometimes I wish my brain would shut off. Even in my sleep it keeps going. Last night I had a dream about Joel that was so realistic I woke up in a cold sweat and I was very confused. I don't know what to do for myself sometimes, I feel very lost within myself sometimes.
I saw a therapist yesterday afternoon. I have to be honest I hate therapists. I have never taken to them. This one seems to want to immedietly diagnos me. I told her I wasn't looking for happy pills or a diagnosis. I was just looking for someone to listen and help me sort myself out a little. My life has been a bit chaotic for the last few months. I think it's a big part of my problem. That and I'm turning into an insomniac...
I've also been thinking about the things I have to look forward to and the things that make me happy, the kind of person I am, and the people in my life. The wonderful people in my life who I am honored to know. Like Tara, my gaurdian angel since age 7, who time and time again opens up her heart, her home, and her life to me. Or Jill, my rock, who with her loyalty and love lets me know time and time again that she loves me no matter what and is on my team, whether she is physically there or not. And Moe, who I haven't known for that long, has taken me in as family, and given me so much advice and strength through my weakest moments. And even suprising sources, like James, who had never been more than an aquaintance, has suddenly infiltrated my life and turned out to be quite an amazing man, who makes me feel I am not hopeless.
I can only think I have no where to go but up, and it may be a long ride there, but I can do it, and I can do it for myself.
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| I'm rick James, bitch! *give it to me baby* |
[21 Apr 2007|05:53am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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You know what I like about men? It just is what it is. There is no real drama to complicate things. If they like you, they tell you. If they don't like you they tell you. If you say "I don't want to talk about my feelings all night" they listen, throw some beer your way and crack some fart jokes. So tonight I'm going to watch the game again with James and his boys. Not only am I starting to understand the game more, but I'm actually picking up on names and stats. It's kind of cool. I like how they treat me like an equal, well for the most part. James has called me "babe" a few times and keeps telling me I'm pretty. I guess I don't mind just 'cause it's him and he's a doll. I don't know, all of a sudden we're becoming good friends. I guess misery loves company or something. It's nice to know he has my back though, he's got a huge collection of guns and is bigger than 95% of the people I know. Let me put it this way, if a fight breaks out, I'm hiding behind him.
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| I'm lost. |
[19 Apr 2007|03:50pm] |
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So this morning I woke up early and drove to an empty parking lot. I don't know what I was doing, it was still dark out. I just sat on the soggy roof of my car smoking and staring at the sky. I don't even know what I was thinking about. Well, yes I do. Have I ever done anything for anyone but myself? Everyone likes to think they are a good person, but what really makes you good? I've hurt people before. I've done a lot of things I shouldn't. I am selfish, I am superficial, and I am out for myself. The thing is, I have worked to become that way. I always want people to think I am so cold and hard because if they know they can hurt me, they will. The truth is, I am so much more sensitive than I should be. I care about so many people, and even after they burn me, again and again, I continue to run back to them. I might be so dilusional I don't know the difference between who is good for me, and who is bad. I don't know, I'll get over it, I'm full of stupid thoughts.
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| Smile, Jesus loves you too. |
[17 Apr 2007|04:13pm] |
Soooo...interesting few days. I got my pictures back. Most of them are of me and Mandy drunk off our asses and looking like idiots. I've never seen so many bum shots on one roll of film. There were a few others though that made me a little sad to look at, I'll be completely honest. There is one picture, where I look so rediculously happy, and he just looks so sad. I can't believe I didn't notice it at the time it was taken. He just has a straight look on his face, but in his eyes it's all sadness. I started to tear up a little when I saw it, not because of what happened, but because I didn't realize I made him so sad. And looking at the picture, I wish I could have done something to make him feel better. I could have tried harder. Not that it would change anything, I just hate seeing someone as wonderful as him looking so full of hurt. It breaks my heart, probably more than it should.
Of course, I wouldn't have looked so closely at this one picture, but apparently when I got them developed I won some stupid thing, and the kid picked ONE picture to blow up into a 5 X 7 and frame and that's the one he chose. Sadistic little terd. Did he pick the one of Mandy's boobs? No. Did he pick the one of us making out? No. Did he pick the one of me dancing on the table and singing into my pizza? No. Whatever, I'm over it, only I obviously can't keep the picture like that, but I feel like a donkey throwing it away. What's that you say? Tape a picture of Bill Clinton over it? Yeah, I think I'll have to do that.
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| me me me me is all you say that I care about... |
[13 Apr 2007|06:03pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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| [ |
music |
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Louis XIV |
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So as it was put to me today in such blunt terms, "If I put half the energy that I put into pleasing and taking care of other people as I did into taking care of myself I would be one happy and successful woman"...
It might be true. So now it's my turn to be happy-unaided and by myself. I've got things I want to accomplish this year. I don't know why I let things get in my way and stress me out. That's why I spend half of my life feeling like Fall Apart Girl-my messy, weepy alter ego. Time to put some serious blinders on. My long and short term goals:
1. Move out and survive free of the support and influence of others.
2. Work like I've never worked before. Day and night, over time, and all the time. Pay off any debts and save up some money because I'm gonna want a new car, and someday a home and I'm not waiting for some stroke of luck or shining white knight to take care of me. Also, I will be volunteering one night a week at the V.A. hospital in Bedford. Why? Because charity is good for the soul and the elderly war veterans love me.
3. Get healthy. Stop smoking, eat healthy, none of this "I'm not eating because I'm sad/nervous/stresses/tired" bullshit. Lots of water, less caffine, and daily runs should help me feel so much better.
4. Go back to school in the fall. Maybe just one class to start, but I want my degree. I'm smart enough to earn it. Just to prove I can do it to myself if no one else.
5. Work on the relationships in my life instead of focusing on new ones. Some of which are barely hanging on by a thread-like my parents, and certain friends.
I think if I stick to my plan and stop listening to people who have no faith in me at all I can do so much better for myself. It's like, if people expect you to fall on your ass you sort of let yourself. And I always let someone else pick up my pieces but I'm starting to realize I can't live my life for anyone but myself. I think if I pull it together and just take it one day at a time eventually happiness will find me. It's just a matter of patience.
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| blah. |
[12 Apr 2007|05:35pm] |
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Cuddling up to the first guy that winks my way will not make me feel better. As much as I want to have evolved past emotions I haven't. It's just so easy to do but totally not fair to anyone involved. I'm not over it yet. I did eat a handful of jellybeans today though. Moe was going to start force feeding me stuff since I got all wobbly and fell down so I agreed to the Winnie the Pooh Jellybeans that Dave Bessette gave me to make me smile. It worked.
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| whatever. |
[10 Apr 2007|03:45pm] |
soooo, ummmm...
not that I'm complaining but I lost 12 pounds since friday? That explains why my normally tight jeans buttoned up with ease this morning.
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